Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

this is the news I live for

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”