Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

(Jupiter –