Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Ooh I do like a good funnel

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Oops 🤭

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?