In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
