“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Meeeee too!
