Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.