Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”