Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.