In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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HEYYYY MACARENA
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.