In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
You Might Also Like
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*