In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”