Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
tis the season
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking