In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself