Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage