In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
2 years later
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it