Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

I love art.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.