Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

Me when I’m ovulating

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

Lucky for them, they’re cute

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack