in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor