Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

This is a whole mood;

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

ㅤ

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.