In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957