In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.