In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Well, this explains it:
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
this is literally a CIA plant
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
