In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
