In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Husband of the year 😂
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
house sitting!
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
