Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

called in thicc to work this morning

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️