Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

How funny!

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

A huge thanks to the person that did this

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”