[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
my dad has had enough
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Feels
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.