[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.