In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: