Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…