Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

lmaaaaaooooooooo

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’