[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used πππππ πππππ all up
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*Christmas with The SchrΓΆdingers
Dr. Erwin SchrΓΆdinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CANβT GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CANβT STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talkβ¦
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Weβre all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] β¦and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I donβt have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I missed two of my momβs calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Beer doesnβt have many vitamins thatβs why you need to drink lots of it
[Blind date]
Girl: Iβve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I donβt think this is gonna work out
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say βLike the murderer?!β
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella Iβd say thatβs a good start
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didnβt serve onion rings if youβre wondering whoβs top shelf around here
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Iβm not allowed in hot yoga β I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Possibly the finest painting Iβve ever done. My wife says itβs a mantlepiece!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
βwhy is millennial humor so weird?β
itβs called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.