[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*