Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target