[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used πππππ πππππ all up
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ME: Thereβs a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: Thereβs a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: iβve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now whatβs wrong with that brainayours
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
You know you spend too much time online when youβre looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: You shouldβve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, thatβs a bird.
Me: I didnβt say he was interested
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, Iβm not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Whereβs the shit you made me at school?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: βWhose bra is that?β
Daughter: βMine.β
Me: βWhy is it on the kitchen windowsill?β
Daughter: βI took it off to eat.β
DM: hi Iβm Emily and I live in your area π
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Please donβt ruin Breaking Bad for meβ¦ Iβm only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[first time hunting]
friend: Iβm out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[interview]
So whatβs a personal strength?
βHonesty.β
And a failing?
βI murder people who donβt hire me.β
Donβt worry, officer, this isnβt my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
βOk iβll biteβ
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, βyou need chrome on your toes?β or βunicorn on your toes?β so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now itβs too late. Iβd be so easy to kidnap.
Me: Iβm starting my diet today
Husband: Iβm picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wanβ
Me: Iβll take a hundred
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
sure, why not
If Iβm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentineβs plans.
Iβve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, βSo, what do we have here?β