Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.