Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

That’s easy for you to say

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to