Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.