Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Jesus Christ lmao

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks