When your boss says “you’re getting a little behind,” he won’t appreciate it when you wink and say “been working out-thanks for noticing.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?
Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!
Who puts their underwear on like that?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
Bath time without my phone:
Bath time with my phone:
1 wrinkly baby
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.