hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?