@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

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@OllyiConic

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@theevilwriter

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@mjkspeaks

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.