[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
just having fun
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?