In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
It kinda feels like this rn
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*