Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Y’all ready for this

Finally

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.