Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The photographer’s assistant

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

True story 🤣

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month