Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

I wish I could veto my bills.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.