In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]