In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Worm Regards”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?