in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit