Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

so much to do

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp