In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I wish this was real life…
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.