In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.