Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

🌲😼

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom