Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet