In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Super Hand Dog Face
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED