Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”