[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.