Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😭

that wasn’t the question

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”