Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no try. There is only give up.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]