In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I want this so bad
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
quarantine day 3
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you