Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
tis the season
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.