In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why font matters.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
