In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge