In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
You Might Also Like
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”