in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.