[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
me and the Superbowl rn
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’