[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
asked my bf how work was today
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
knights of the ikea table
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”